My Rules For Twitter Because I Am The Keeper Of All Knowledge And You Should Be Happy I’m Imparting My Pearls Of Wisdom To You, You Puny, Puny Little Person

I’ve only been seriously active on twitter for about 3 months though I’ve actually been a registered user for over a year. You can find me tweeting under @BraveGirl. In that time I have been given lots of helpful advice and have read many blog posts regarding how to use twitter with titles like: “twitter ettiquette,” “how to choose who to follow on twitter,” “when not to follow someone on twitter” and my personal favorite “twitter: you’re doing it wrong.”

And so, in the spirit of telling other people what to do, and because we should all be using twitter in exactly the same fashion, here are my rules. Feel free to implement them at your leisure.

RULE # 1

NEVER follow someone whom you have not ascertained – through careful study of their tweets of the last six months, a thorough reading of their 7-9 blogs including all the associated archived entries, and a quick sift through their garbage on the curb – that you do indeed share the same passionate love for ruby on rails and iphone apps. If you have nothing in common with that person, or maybe, a polar opposite idealogical world view, then perhaps you may want to consider not following them. Case in point: this is what resulted when a user called @Repurblican recently began following me:

@BraveGirl: why would @Repurblican follow me when I’m a democrat/liberal? When reps truly become again the Party of Lincoln i’ll give two monkeys

@Repurblican: Because the GOP needs to do a better job of making its pitch, and talking to people who disagree with the current one is step 1

@ BraveGirl: good luck with that.

@Repurblican: Thanks

@BraveGirl: @Repurblican completely missed the sarcasm of my last remark

@Repurblican: don’t think I did

@BraveGirl: you’re smarter than the guy at the top of your party then. But who isn’t? except the knobs who put him there I suppose.

@Repurblican: ah, gotcha. You just called Bush voters stupid.

@Repurblican: (attempting to find common ground) Hopeless film geek, eh? Of what’s in theaters what should I go see? Avoiding Valkyrie, thinking The Spirit.

@BraveGirl: @Republican you may want to check this one out. www.bushbrain.com

@Repurblican: does not compute! does not compute! Must continue to try and convince staunch liberal to buy into and blindly follow corrupt and unethical political dogma. Must buy another pair of baggy khaki trousers and shirt with polo horse embroidery!

From your lips to Karl Rove’s ears you adorable, automotonic lemming.

RULE # 1b

If you’re going to try and persuade people to support the republican party, learn to spell “republican.”

RULE # 2

REGARDING the Gods of twitter: all of you are aware of Their existence, and none dare speak the names of these holiest of holy Beings. Their followers are many. It is more difficult for one to enter Their inner sanctum than it is for Steve Wozniak to pass through the turnstyle at the teacup ride at Disneyland. The rule is: you may follow, but do not EVER @TwitterGod lest you be riven through by Their icy, cold-shouldered disdain.

To Them you are like the gnat buzzing in the ear of a giant.

You do not signify. You are not germaine. You are a freckle on the protazoa that feeds off the fungus between the toes of the Colossus. Learn it, live it, love it.

RULE # 3

YOUR tweets must add value. In order for anybody to take you seriously on twitter you must approach your tweeting as if you are actually the Associated Press. Only relentless tweets of links to special, top-secret news sources like The New York Times, Reuters, CNN, Fox News and the BBC – you know, the ones that only government operatives and Jesus Christ have access to – will you become a credible and valuable member of twitter.

RULE # 4

ONLY tweet 3.38 times within a 12 hour time span, excepting  months ending in the letter “N” at which time you may tweet two tweets for every tweet of @GuyKawasaki, unless of course there’s a full moon in which case you must drink for every tweet posted by a user with the photo of a dog for its avatar.

RULE # 5

SOCIALIZING on twitter: if you insist on having a conversation via public tweets, and do not switch over to DM after the intial response to your first tweet, you will be killed.

So there you go. My five rules. I’m certain you will find them helpful as you speedily navigate the hairpin online highway toward your destination of becoming one of the more exciting and popular people on twitter. Please remember not to violate any of these rules or you will be shunned and ostricized by everybody who’s anybody and only real estate agents and Mon aVie marketers will want to follow you. Now, get out there and tweet, you rascal!